Oh, Martin Turner, you’re all bloody mouth and no
Cycling by on your paper round, like you’re it
My pulse quickens as you put the Standard through
You weedy fourth year, you.
I get lost in your brown eyes, and
my homework blurs before me as
I think about you touching my skin.
The world suddenly such a clearer
You asking my bra size at the disco,
my platform heels turning to jelly,
longing for you to find out first hand.
But after whispering breathily in your ear,
you just went back to your mates, laughing raucously.
38 D never enticed you back.
You could have had everything –
upstairs, downstairs, the lot.
I wouldn’t have minded
But when you went outside with that bitch, Sarah
Turning your back on someone who could
actually fill a bra?!
My doorstep offering so much more than mere
Now you shout out 38D as you whizz
past on your stupid bike - so do half the town.
You’re a meano, but I’d still let you see for yourself.
Oh Joyce, with your greasy hair, and sebaceous skin
What have you got that I haven’t?
Why did Brian Penn take you in the back of his van?
and not Me?
All it took was a bag of chips, I would have done it for far less!
When he did finally ask me out, we just ended up at the pub.
Talking - for Gods sake!
He suggested dinner! I laughed in his face!
Why piss about with that?!
Besides, I’d just had me tea!
Not one sniff of van action, the stupid pillock!
He didn’t even bring it with him!
Sod your Dad’s car! I said, where’s the van?
We could have been at it and everything!
At the pictures, we never even sat in
the back row!
Not a decent snog or nothing!
He actually watched the film!
The humiliation! And he chatted
about it all the way home!
What did he not take me for? Oh No!
Sod respect! That does not bring you paradise!
Got me Dad to hit him in the end:
“Back of the van not good enough for
my daughter! You bastard!”
Brian legged it, flowers in his hand flying
That’ll learn him to treat a girl properly!
He’s back with you, I hear, Joyce
Your yellow teeth fixed with a
Your piggy eyes glint in triumph
But I did try to be like you, Joyce,
I really did
You appear together, then you’re gone.
Very quickly. And I know where.
And that really should have been Me.